Quickies

Calories are delicious.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

"I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

Opposites attract, which is why it's horrible to be this handsome.

Stupidity got me into this mess -- why can't it get me out?

Buy a parrot and teach him how to say this one thing: "Help! they transformed me into a parrot, help me!!"

Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying and he said, "Canned goods and ammunition."

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

I just checked the health/weight chart at the gym and it turns out that I'm four inches too short.

When the space shuttle finally lands, everybody wear ape suits.... pass it on!

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

At my age, I can't see the forest OR the trees.

I'm going to live forever, or die trying!

"I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back." ~Zsa Zsa Gabor"

Happiness can't buy money." - Bob Hope

"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell that can't." - Abraham Lincoln

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. I must have walked around it.

There's room for all God's creatures, right next to the mashed potatoes.

Support the metric system every inch of the way!

It could be worse: there could be 35 teachers for every student.

A procrastinator's work is never done.

The human brain is a wonderful thing: it starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a lawyer.

Employment applications always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency; I think you should write "911"

A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.

Why should I learn algebra? I have no intention of ever going there.

Keyboard not detected - press F1 to continue.

The main problem with mental notes is the ink fades so fast.

In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on and this person must be fired.

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." - Bill Peterson, football coach

You never saw a fish on the wall with its mouth shut.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

I'm too old to die.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

When every thing's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A smart man only believes half of what he hears. A wise man knows which half.

“If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.”

"Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for." ~Will Rogers

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Other just rinse and spit.

Christmas is just like any day at the office - you do all the work and one guy in a suit gets all the credit.

Fools rush in ... and get all the best seats.

A mind in the gutter is a life down the drain.

If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Here's a joke for all you mind readers out there...

Smart young folks know all the rules. Smart old folks know all the loopholes.

“Time is fun when you're having flies.” ~ Kermit the Frog

Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

Sure, it's the thought that counts, but couldn't people think a little bigger?

There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'.

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