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Courtroom

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restrains on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning are you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. OK? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where here was a victim?

Q. ... and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q. So, after the anaesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on, what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and legs were removed and put on top of my head.

Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.

Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of the defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!

Q. Do you drink when you are on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q. ... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.

Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q, What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

Q. (Showing man picture) That's you?
A. Yes. sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Subject: Being cross-examined. A defending attorney was cross-examining a coroner.
The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner said, "No.
"The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No.
""Did you check for breathing?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating, said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practising law somewhere.

Similar Fun Categories: Lawyers

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