Scientists Discover a New Element.
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice neutrons and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247.
These 247 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.
However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction ordinarily occurred in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
Studies seem to show the atomic weight actually increasing after each reorganization. Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as government agencies, large corporations and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.
Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels of exposure. I believe the recommended fluids include beer and margaritas.
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